a long time coming

I realized tonight as a friend was talking about updating his blog that I haven't written on mine in quite a while, and then suddenly I found myself logging in and typing. . . .

To say that this long electronic silence has been due to major life events would be a mild understatement. My dad died December 29, 2008, quite unexpectedly, and so my inclination for creative expression has been almost nothing during the months since then. And that's OK--it is slowly coming back, I feel.

Plus, really, what words can sufficiently describe something that major? I have yet to find them. There is a lot more to the concept and reality of death, let alone my father's death, than I realized, and I understand very little. I am now just beginning to feel as though I am awakening from a long internal sleep, and beginning to feel a bit more myself. Outwardly perhaps people around me may not even notice the difference, because I tend to keep things to myself, but grief is a funny thing. After the months of sheer initial shock, I find it is now more likely to sneak up on me in unexpected places and catch me off guard-- at work, where the new handsoap in the bathroom smells exactly how my dad smelled; in Starbucks, where they played one of the old country western songs that my dad listened to on car trips; on a walk in the woods, where I noticed wintergreen berries growing, something my dad always tried to convince me to eat but which I never would. This is probably a good thing, because I find it is a very gracious way that the Lord helps me to face something so mind-blowingly painful in smaller pieces, a sort of way to process things.

I could go on, but there is not enough space or time to do this subject justice. Perhaps I will mention it again here, but not necessarily. Suffice to say--I miss my dad, more than I'm even able to express, which should just be an assumed fact about me even if I do not talk about this very much. It has been the hardest thing my family has dealt with, and I honestly am amazed we have made it this far. We would appreciate your prayers just as we deal with the hundreds of changes, problems, and details that have continuously popped up since Dad has died.

I'm doing OK, I think, as far as these things go, and only because of the Lord's strength have I gotten to the point where I am starting to move forward in life again, and not because I am trying to forget or cover up the pain, but in spite of it, which has not always been the case. Circumstantially, it has been a pretty good summer and fall, to be sure. Lots more weddings, a baby in the house, a promotion at work, and so I am trying to focus on the good things. I have especially been enjoying the fall colors--I cannot remember another fall when I have observed such depths of beauty in nature all around me, and I am enjoying taking walks and road trips (another blog post for another time) while the weather holds. And I always appreciate and love the time I spend with friends and family, to whom I cannot express my deepest gratitude for the support that has been shown towards my family during this time. Thanks, friends--I wanted to write this especially to express that thanks again.

So, there's the update. There have been a few other things I have occasionally thought about posting, but really, first things first.

Thanksgiving Haiku

Thanks, Mom, for sending
Those Thanksgiving leftovers!
I savor each bite.

the next pages

Today I am using up the last pages of my journal. It's crazy to think about how much has happened since I started using it in January. . . .
I moved back to Michigan. I moved back to Jackson. Tanya came back from Peru. I got a job. Tanya went back to Peru. I moved in with Thad and Nikki. I ended up staying at my job (much to my surprise). I reconnected with lots of people I'd missed. Friends got married (a lot of them). I saw my best friend Amanda in Chicago. I spent a week in Indianapolis. I went to a conference at Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. I went camping. I've hung out with my family intermittently. . . the list goes on.
Big things have happened, too. God's done a lot in my heart, a lot, I tell you. It's been a time of major growth and healing, because being back from Arizona was not a fun time for a while until I allowed God to teach me about His purposes. I also felt in the spring that while I was in Arizona God opened my heart back up to doing overseas ministry -- it's something I felt God wanted me to do in some form back while I was in college, but really, the longer I was out of college, the more I lost the vision for that, and I found that I'd become too comfortable with where I was in life. But, as I prayed in the months after I came back to Michigan, God really gave me some clear guidance in this area, and so I signed up with VISA ministries through the Free Methodist Church. At this point I am working on fundraising and the like (you can email me if you want more details/want to get updates about what's going on, or if you want to be part of my intercessory prayer team). I won't be posting details here, other than to say that I'm going, I'll probably be gone for two years, and I'm looking to go sometime late this winter (or whenever the funds are raised). I'm excited, but also just sort of holding on, wondering what's happening sometimes, because it's not reality yet.
In more recent months, I've really enjoyed the communities I'm a part of -- at Comunidad Agua Viva, and at Consuming Fire, a prayer ministry at SAU. I am refreshed and challenged by what God is doing in our midst, and I am truly thankful to be surrounded by so many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ. I have an increasing sense daily of God's presence and love and it's been great to see Him not only change my heart in drastic ways, but also touch others' lives and get a glimpse of His heart for people. I'm enjoying how He's reactivated art in my life, as well -- I used to draw, paint, collage, etc., a lot until I went to college, and I just sort of pushed it away, but I've felt inspired in new ways, which is great because I didn't realize how much I missed it and how much myself I feel when I do creative things.
Anyway. I could say more, I probably will soon, but I thought an update was long overdue.
Oh, what things are contained between the covers of a journal! Praise God for the abundance He has poured out in my life!

Happy Leap Day, or Any Excuse to Post Fun Pictures

Hey! Did you know it is Leap Day! 'Cause I did. Do? Sometimes I get the "grammars" -- where I get a little grammatically ambiguous. Think something along the line of "shivers" or "tremors," only on a cognitive level. Or, perhaps a term that could be used to refer to your parents' mothers, or a group of grandmothers.

Ooh, Another Tangent: This quandary reminds me of a phrase I've heard some Britons say . . . "Did do." As in, "Did you celebrate Leap Day yesterday, pip pip, cheerio?"

"Yeh, did do, right-o."

Anyway. Back to the point, which was. . . . oh, yes. Behind every picture is a story. This one's story is pretty short, involving me at home alone yesterday; mix in a little boredom, a digital camera with a timer, and a lot of jumping up and down and seeing pictures of myself in rather unflattering stages of jumping (and consequently deleting said pictures). This is the end result. Maybe my favorite self-portrait in a while. And yes, I did it specifically for Leap Day.

Here's my favorite quote about Leap Day:
"LEAP DAY! CATCH THE FEVER AND COUGH ON A FRIEND!" I HEARD TH. . . Ahem, sorry, didn't mean to keep yelling, I heard that one on Conan O'Brien this week.

Did I mention I need a job?

Ok, last thing: these next pictures are also some of my faves from the past few months (in the category of "pictures I have taken that haven't been inanimate objects/scenery"). I took them at my going away get-together in Phoenix. They look like they were intentionally taken as a series. . . so let's just leave it at that, instead of thinking that maybe it took more than one try to get the final picture.

Ahh. Ain't nothing like some sweet live-action pics. Mamma Laura's proud.

back in jackson

I've been back in Jackson for two weeks now, and back in frigid Michigan for three weeks (four weeks? I am starting to lose count. . . ) My road trip back was mostly uneventful, thankfully, other than delaying the trip by a day because of weather in Flagstaff, and then adding a day to the planned driving time (big winter storm + fighting off a cold = car crash waiting to happen = time to get off of the road).

When I'm on trips like this (as I am wont to do more frequently these days), I tend towards a bit of sensory overload -- when I drive through new places, I always want to look around at everything (while of course still driving safely, and never taking pictures while operating a vehicle) and take in the scenery, especially the beautiful scenery I saw at times on the trip. Also, a five-day road trip leaves one with quite a bit of time to think and reflect. So, you would think I had some sort of profound revelation of the purposes behind this whole, well, whatever it was; some theory as to what might be next. Something. And don't think my little brain didn't try to come up with something, that my heart wasn't searching for something to grasp. Some sort of analysis for the past four months of what exactly had happened, and the part I played in why I was returning.

You know what, though? I realized that I could either keep driving myself crazy asking all these questions, trying to blame circumstances/God/myself, which I had started doing, or I could just let it go, that the whys weren't quite so important at that point. Knowing why, while nice at times, would not change the fact that I was at that moment in a car that was hurtling me back towards Jackson. Besides, God was choosing not to tell me why at the moment, as He is usually reluctant to tell those sort of things all at once, so the rest was just my feverish, biased, and poorly-informed speculation. So, at least for the duration of the trip, I tried to not dwell on these things, and enjoy the journey. At least, as much as I could, seeing as my feet froze as soon as I got into northeastern Arizona and stayed that way the rest of the time. I did see some interesting sights, of course -- revisiting Albuquerque, traveling along Route 66 (and on it at different points), taking in the various Starbuckses and Motel 6's along the way. Really, though, if you are thinking of making the same trip, I don't recommend this time of year -- you really don't want to stop very much and take pictures, and it's not as pretty once you get out of New Mexico, because everything's either flat/frozen/snow-covered/closed early.

I do miss Phoenix. I miss my roommate, my friends from church, my co-workers, and I miss the mountains. But, I will be OK, too, and this is all normal. I missed being in Michigan pretty badly at times, too, and I survived that. I can't say much as far as a summation of what I've learned, really, at this point, since I'm still processing all of this, but I know I have changed, and learned some good things about myself, and made some mistakes, and that I'm better equipped to live here, for however long that is, because I went to Phoenix. What's more important, I'm closer to God than when I left, which is no small thing, and another story in itself.

So, here I am (here am I? Biblical, yet very Yoda-esque). I still feel a little disoriented once in a while, and keep forgetting where I am at different times. Not that the snow isn't a dead giveaway, but more like when I wake up in the morning and it takes me a moment to figure out where I'm at, or if I'm in a store like Target and get frustrated trying to find something, or driving somewhere trying to remember the traffic laws (U-turns definitely not allowed here, and speed limits are much lower). Just little things.

God is continuing to lead me through this, slowly, and I am catching glimpses of His hand, trying to pay attention to hear His voice, and being reminded of His love in big and small ways. I am still trying to understand it all, understand how I must live out of the changes that have taken place inside me over the past months. I am also learning that I can do very little on my own.

So, God's next task? I need a job. . . . which, unmistakably, God must have His hand in all this, if He's brought me back to Michigan to find work. . . so if anyone hears something. . . .

Check 'em out

Hey, I'm putting up a bunch of pictures on Flickr, if you scroll down and click on the picture-thingy on the right side of the page, you can see them. There is everything from Christmas pictures, to my friends' wedding, to pics from Arizona. And some of them are not half bad.

Also, some posts are coming about the trip back to Michigan, etc. But not yet. I'm still unthawing.

Quote of the Day

On Washington Post's website --

'"It's important to win," Crist said in an interview at the governor's mansion. "If you're going to win somewhere, you've got to win."'
--Florida Governor Charlie Crist, on Rudy Giuliani's campaigning in Florida

I'm glad we're clear on that.