a long time coming
I realized tonight as a friend was talking about updating his blog that I haven't written on mine in quite a while, and then suddenly I found myself logging in and typing. . . .
To say that this long electronic silence has been due to major life events would be a mild understatement. My dad died December 29, 2008, quite unexpectedly, and so my inclination for creative expression has been almost nothing during the months since then. And that's OK--it is slowly coming back, I feel.
Plus, really, what words can sufficiently describe something that major? I have yet to find them. There is a lot more to the concept and reality of death, let alone my father's death, than I realized, and I understand very little. I am now just beginning to feel as though I am awakening from a long internal sleep, and beginning to feel a bit more myself. Outwardly perhaps people around me may not even notice the difference, because I tend to keep things to myself, but grief is a funny thing. After the months of sheer initial shock, I find it is now more likely to sneak up on me in unexpected places and catch me off guard-- at work, where the new handsoap in the bathroom smells exactly how my dad smelled; in Starbucks, where they played one of the old country western songs that my dad listened to on car trips; on a walk in the woods, where I noticed wintergreen berries growing, something my dad always tried to convince me to eat but which I never would. This is probably a good thing, because I find it is a very gracious way that the Lord helps me to face something so mind-blowingly painful in smaller pieces, a sort of way to process things.
I could go on, but there is not enough space or time to do this subject justice. Perhaps I will mention it again here, but not necessarily. Suffice to say--I miss my dad, more than I'm even able to express, which should just be an assumed fact about me even if I do not talk about this very much. It has been the hardest thing my family has dealt with, and I honestly am amazed we have made it this far. We would appreciate your prayers just as we deal with the hundreds of changes, problems, and details that have continuously popped up since Dad has died.
I'm doing OK, I think, as far as these things go, and only because of the Lord's strength have I gotten to the point where I am starting to move forward in life again, and not because I am trying to forget or cover up the pain, but in spite of it, which has not always been the case. Circumstantially, it has been a pretty good summer and fall, to be sure. Lots more weddings, a baby in the house, a promotion at work, and so I am trying to focus on the good things. I have especially been enjoying the fall colors--I cannot remember another fall when I have observed such depths of beauty in nature all around me, and I am enjoying taking walks and road trips (another blog post for another time) while the weather holds. And I always appreciate and love the time I spend with friends and family, to whom I cannot express my deepest gratitude for the support that has been shown towards my family during this time. Thanks, friends--I wanted to write this especially to express that thanks again.
So, there's the update. There have been a few other things I have occasionally thought about posting, but really, first things first.
To say that this long electronic silence has been due to major life events would be a mild understatement. My dad died December 29, 2008, quite unexpectedly, and so my inclination for creative expression has been almost nothing during the months since then. And that's OK--it is slowly coming back, I feel.
Plus, really, what words can sufficiently describe something that major? I have yet to find them. There is a lot more to the concept and reality of death, let alone my father's death, than I realized, and I understand very little. I am now just beginning to feel as though I am awakening from a long internal sleep, and beginning to feel a bit more myself. Outwardly perhaps people around me may not even notice the difference, because I tend to keep things to myself, but grief is a funny thing. After the months of sheer initial shock, I find it is now more likely to sneak up on me in unexpected places and catch me off guard-- at work, where the new handsoap in the bathroom smells exactly how my dad smelled; in Starbucks, where they played one of the old country western songs that my dad listened to on car trips; on a walk in the woods, where I noticed wintergreen berries growing, something my dad always tried to convince me to eat but which I never would. This is probably a good thing, because I find it is a very gracious way that the Lord helps me to face something so mind-blowingly painful in smaller pieces, a sort of way to process things.
I could go on, but there is not enough space or time to do this subject justice. Perhaps I will mention it again here, but not necessarily. Suffice to say--I miss my dad, more than I'm even able to express, which should just be an assumed fact about me even if I do not talk about this very much. It has been the hardest thing my family has dealt with, and I honestly am amazed we have made it this far. We would appreciate your prayers just as we deal with the hundreds of changes, problems, and details that have continuously popped up since Dad has died.
I'm doing OK, I think, as far as these things go, and only because of the Lord's strength have I gotten to the point where I am starting to move forward in life again, and not because I am trying to forget or cover up the pain, but in spite of it, which has not always been the case. Circumstantially, it has been a pretty good summer and fall, to be sure. Lots more weddings, a baby in the house, a promotion at work, and so I am trying to focus on the good things. I have especially been enjoying the fall colors--I cannot remember another fall when I have observed such depths of beauty in nature all around me, and I am enjoying taking walks and road trips (another blog post for another time) while the weather holds. And I always appreciate and love the time I spend with friends and family, to whom I cannot express my deepest gratitude for the support that has been shown towards my family during this time. Thanks, friends--I wanted to write this especially to express that thanks again.
So, there's the update. There have been a few other things I have occasionally thought about posting, but really, first things first.
posted by laurastardust at 11:26:00 PM
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