I've been back in Jackson for two weeks now, and back in frigid Michigan for three weeks (four weeks? I am starting to lose count. . . ) My road trip back was mostly uneventful, thankfully, other than delaying the trip by a day because of weather in Flagstaff, and then adding a day to the planned driving time (big winter storm + fighting off a cold = car crash waiting to happen = time to get off of the road).
When I'm on trips like this (as I am wont to do more frequently these days), I tend towards a bit of sensory overload -- when I drive through new places, I always want to look around at everything (while
of course still driving safely, and
never taking pictures while operating a vehicle) and take in the scenery, especially the beautiful scenery I saw at times on the trip. Also, a five-day road trip leaves one with quite a bit of time to think and reflect. So, you would think I had some sort of profound revelation of the purposes behind this whole, well, whatever it was; some theory as to what might be next. Something. And don't think my little brain didn't try to come up with something, that my heart wasn't searching for something to grasp. Some sort of analysis for the past four months of what exactly had happened, and the part I played in why I was returning.
You know what, though? I realized that I could either keep driving myself crazy asking all these questions, trying to blame circumstances/God/myself, which I had started doing, or I could just let it go, that the whys weren't quite so important at that point. Knowing why, while nice at times, would not change the fact that I was at that moment in a car that was hurtling me back towards Jackson. Besides, God was choosing not to tell me why at the moment, as He is usually reluctant to tell those sort of things all at once, so the rest was just my feverish, biased, and poorly-informed speculation. So, at least for the duration of the trip, I tried to not dwell on these things, and enjoy the journey. At least, as much as I could, seeing as my feet froze as soon as I got into northeastern Arizona and stayed that way the rest of the time. I did see some interesting sights, of course -- revisiting Albuquerque, traveling along Route 66 (and on it at different points), taking in the various Starbuckses and Motel 6's along the way. Really, though, if you are thinking of making the same trip, I don't recommend this time of year -- you really don't want to stop very much and take pictures, and it's not as pretty once you get out of New Mexico, because everything's either flat/frozen/snow-covered/closed early.
I do miss Phoenix. I miss my roommate, my friends from church, my co-workers, and I miss the mountains. But, I will be OK, too, and this is all normal. I missed being in Michigan pretty badly at times, too, and I survived that. I can't say much as far as a summation of what I've learned, really, at this point, since I'm still processing all of this, but I know I have changed, and learned some good things about myself, and made some mistakes, and that I'm better equipped to live here, for however long that is, because I went to Phoenix. What's more important, I'm closer to God than when I left, which is no small thing, and another story in itself.
So, here I am (here am I? Biblical, yet very Yoda-esque). I still feel a little disoriented once in a while, and keep forgetting where I am at different times. Not that the snow isn't a dead giveaway, but more like when I wake up in the morning and it takes me a moment to figure out where I'm at, or if I'm in a store like Target and get frustrated trying to find something, or driving somewhere trying to remember the traffic laws (U-turns definitely not allowed here, and speed limits are much lower). Just little things.
God is continuing to lead me through this, slowly, and I am catching glimpses of His hand, trying to pay attention to hear His voice, and being reminded of His love in big and small ways. I am still trying to understand it all, understand how I must live out of the changes that have taken place inside me over the past months. I am also learning that I can do very little on my own.
So, God's next task? I need a job. . . . which, unmistakably, God must have His hand in all this, if He's brought me back to Michigan to find work. . . so if anyone hears something. . . .
