The Unemployment Times

This just in -- Watching old videos of The Colbert Report online 8 hours a day is not actually considered a "real job." Unpaid cell phone bill to follow.

Then, we'll talk with my roommate Rebecca, who knows how to ask the tough questions, such as, "When are you going to get up off that loveseat?"

Also, we profile Nicole, a bright young twenty-something who is the last of a dying breed of native Arizonans.

After that, we'll show you an exclusive exposé on why I'm quite happy here on the loveseat, thanks, and what about all those times you play your piano alone in the dark while quietly humming to yourself, anyway?

And keep checking back for our "Special Edition," where we discuss which of the presidential candidates' names are the most fun to pronounce, and what impact this may have on their chances at the polls.

But first, I cringe as you decide it's time to read something that's actually funny.

Note: I wrote this before I got a job. Just so we're clear, friends. Now I only watch videos online four hours a day.